50 personal things

Okay so 50 personal things about myself which I never would dare say aloud except for some things...geez I should be sleeping, but my body hates me...kind of depressing so beware

1) I talk a lot

2) I love life

3) I love running in the rain

4) I love dancing

5) Singing even if I sound bad

6) Smoking even if I yelled at a bf of 3 years to quit, whatever I am a hypocrite

7) I wasn't always a smoker, but after a couple years of college I started getting roles that I wanted so badly I would cry myself to sleep because I got them, but had to do a fucking play that I almost got the lead for but didn't because the director said I didn't have a big enough chest and ended up being a small role. I am happy I did it because I am not a quitter and I love acting, but seriously I should have been the lead, I was better than one of the girls and the entire cast told me how they were shocked the other girl got it. Pissed me off because when I got roles for film stuff I couldn't take it because my director said I would be kicked out of the play and if that happened i would have bad blood with someone in the acting world. If I say I will give 100% I stick by that and don't back out..it's just how I am and who I am. I am not a quitter

8) 9)above listed (not a quitter, play, blah blah blah)

10) I was in a sorority called Gamma Phi Beta, I loved it to the core. I had everything Gamma Phi, bracelet, shirt, sweatshirt, flip flops blah blah blah even made my entire bureau into Gamma Phiness, even was gonna get a tattoo of a crescent moon, but the fuckers said that I couldn't take a semester off for the play because it was not academic...HELLLLLOOO I'm a theatre major. I was not in as many plays as I should have been because I was doing the sorority..i tried assistant manager on a play and got bitched by the sorority all the time and they put me on delinquency because i was missing too much, yet i wasn't sleeping and was falling asleep in notes of blocking and lighting and all that shit...they had me working crazy stuff and my grades were slipping so they wanted to put me on delinquency for that and they made me feel like i was an awful sister. cried myself to sleep every night and picked up smoking more! it was an awful last year and they ended up telling me i had a choice to resign or be terminated. I put my all into it though and i know i did my best, they even said i didn't care about them and that they should be number one and they know it isn't. Obviously!! Theatre is number one, in my heart and soul...maybe i'll get another tattoo with theatre or dreams i love dreams we'll see...but yea the sorority fucked me hard core! i love the sisters i met and the ones who stuck by my side. But one girl ooooo i would be happy if i never see her face again 

11) After my abusive relationship I was so fucked up that I turned to sex and had sex with numerous amounts of guys and developed a drinking problem because I drank a lot then met some random guy at a bar and went home with him. I became a nympho and an alcoholic at college drinking til I blacked out then waking up next to guys I didn't care about.  I didn't care about anything because I was numb..I had no feelings towards guys and sex had no meaning to me. I am better now but it took years of healing

12) with that said I am not a whore but I had an awful experience

13) I am a very happy person even though my thoughts don't sound it

14) I do have down days

15) I have been in love before

16) Was almost engaged before

17) Was thrown against a fridge and molested by a bf (never thought that was possible but it happened) that is what triggered number 11

18) Was bulimic in high school then was found by my best friend and she made me stop

19) I have never cut myself, but have hurt myself before

20) I have been to California and want to move there

21) I love Tom Hanks like it shouldn't be normal...I love his acting and am inspired by him

22) I love that Jen who I work with I am able to tell things I can't tell anyone else at work (like when I was drunk)

23) I was almost raped before and had to put a restraining order on the guy

24) I was in an abusive relationship for almost a year

25) I have had sex with a rapper lmao

26) I am secretly in love with my best friend but he is completely unaware

27) I wish I could be in a relationship with Will a guy I met on a cruise back in August but he lives in California

28) I am seeing my brother's film next month in Cali as well as seeing Will aka tequila guy

29) I love acting and want to be in a soap opera one day

30) I like this guy I work with but am afraid if we get into a relationship it will make things awkward because we work together

31) I recently heard he is in a relationship and now am all confused because he's coming over tomorrow and has come over other days and it makes me wonder if I'm a mistress because I don't do that shit. Cheaters are assholes and if I don't do it neither should they

32) I am terrified of relationships...I've been hurt so many times they scare the crap out of me. I am afraid of my heart getting broken or better yet being forced to do things I don't want to do hence James the ex who can kiss my ass everytime i see him...he's the reason I am afraid to have relationships because he messed me up so bad.

33) I went out with a guy named Jordan but I think it was more a fling..he told me he loved me then broke up with me and started going out with a girl from Maine...i don't know how but they are still together

34) yea after saying Jordan and James and how Andy cheated on me i am all set with relationships

35) I went to Disney when I was 9

36) My Nonie died of Cancer when I was 9 which I have a butterfly tattoo on my hip to remember her by

37) I had a dream the night before my Nonie passed away that I was a softball game and into the 7th quarter the moon got covered and a cloud went over that looked like my Nonie, then I had a dream directly after of my Nonie in a coffin in a gold dress...I told my parents and my brother the next day and then told my mom I did not want to go to my softball game and wanted to stay with my Nonie because of my dream...my parents said my Nonie would want me to go to the game. I went to my game and my mom's friend picked me up and drove me home..I knew it was weird that my Mom's friend was picking me up...when I got home my parents were all upset and my Dad sat me on his knee and I said Nonie passed away while I was in the game didn't she...he said yes...7:15 my Nonie had passed away...that was when I was in the 7th quarter. I couldn't believe I had a premonition and the worst thing about it was I had told everyone and they looked at me like I was crazy, but they all commented on how I dreamt that.  She was buried in her 50th anniversary gown, which was gold.

38) My dad was in a fire when I was 12 because our bbq grill blew up (the night before I dreamt my house was on fire and told my brother which scared him) my dad recupperated and since then I don't sleep very well because I am afraid of dreaming of something bad.

39) My Papa passed away when I was 19 and i have a rose under the butterfly to remember him by

40) I have my belly button pierced

41) I miss college

42) I want to sing and dance now that I am getting this all off my chest 

43) I have flagpole sitta in my head because of Jen lol

44) I like to smile and be happy because I don't like misery

45) I pray before I go to bed everynight for those I love and have lost and I thank god for letting me live another healthy day

46) I have fallen asleep while praying because I was so tired lol

47) I need to lose weight but I love my body and I love myself

48) I like to drink and have a good time

49) I need to dance this out

50) I loooove my bed and will attempt to fall asleep now after this one little excerpt

I know that life has challenges and I have faced some of the toughest ones but they have made me stronger and have made me a better person as well as smarter and more aware. I thank god for these challenges and making me a better person. I love my life and wouldn't do anything different, I live without regrets and if anyone doesn't like me because they think I am too happy it's annoying they can fuck themselves. I am who I am and whoever wants to be in their own miserable state I say go do it, but stay the hell away from me. I have good days and I have bad days, everyone does. But everyday should not be a bad day, unless you need attention and are boo hoo blah blah blah, seriously go outside and look at the clouds and make animals out of them, look at the stars and wish upon one, play in the snow, breathe in the fresh air, look up to the sky and say thank you god for letting me be here. These are 50 things about myself and yes they are not happy and yes there are a lot more things about me, but these are some of the hardest things I have faced but I have lived through them and am still standing and still laughing and still being the crazy self that I am...and nobody will ever take that from me