Raining

So today I woke up and it was downpouring, who would have known that I'd be raining myself all morning. I wake up and think oh I love life to going downstairs to have a nice bowl of greatness until the greatness got stomped on, kicked on and thrown around like a basketball. I cannot stand living in this house lately. I do or say one little thing and my head gets knocked around like a volleyball. I must have gotten yelled at and told how I was liked a little bit less than what i used to be because I am rude, sarcastic and am adament. By the way this all started because I said I was confused and asked a question. HA! What a rude son of a bitch I must be! I wasn't doing anything except listening to my patriarch talk about gas prices and how it's so expensive and blah blah blah GAS IS ALWAYS GOING TO BE HIGH! I see gas all the time! All I said was "gas is always high and always will be a cost" that was my rude sarcastic remark. Then I was admament because I asked NICELY if I could get the car before my parents go away but NOOOOOO I have to get yelled at throughout my nice bowl of raisin bran. Then I go downstairs to talk to my mom nicely and HE has to come down there and interrupt every 5 minutes to yell some more and didn't even know what we were talking about because he yelled about irrevelant shit. Then told me he wasn't going to go get the car with me. I am being more than patient and this fucking car business is making me sick. I have stopped talking about cars unless he brings it up. Then get my neck chewed out. And after I was done being yelled at for 3 hours because I didn't have anywhere to escape to I just laid in my bed and cried. I can't take this pain anymore and just feel so depressed and awful being here. It's like I don't exist or only exist to be the warden's whipping boy. And the worst part is after I was done crying I figured I'd watch some zombie or scary movie and my sister starts naming off love movies to go see and that just made me feel alone. I feel like a loser just crying by myself and I just have noone to call and talk to. My friends are either with their boyfriends or with their husbands or out and I don't want to damper their day. Some of my friends have changed and aren't themselves anymore so I don't want to call them because they will just change the story and make it about them and complain about how bad they have it. And the sad thing is everyone around me is in love and I can't even open up that way. It's like I'm a damaged soul that will never get over her past. I hear about how great love is and wonderful it is, but when I see love through my eyes I am scared and afraid. I don't want to be with someone who yells at me or calls me names or hits me, I don't want to be with someone who will cheat on me, I don't want someone who will leave me and I don't want someone who lives hundreds of miles away. I want someone to make me feel special today, tomorrow and the next day. It's like I'm looking for the perfect guy that doesn't exist so I can protect myself, but I'm just hurting. I'm so alone and empty that it's like inside of me is raining and it's such a bad flood I can't breathe. I am a happy person and I love to smile and joke and do crazy things, but honestly, lately I'm not feeling like myself. I just want the sun to come out and the clouds to go away.